The Season of New Beginnings//My Life Got Flipped-Turned Upside Down

So, I recently celebrated my two year anniversary of living in Taiwan. It's been a really exciting and scary time recently so I guess I'll just update on some cool stuff that God has been doing in my life lately. I hope that my little testimonies can encourage you all to have more and more faith that God really doesn't leave us on our own and really does have good plans for us. So here goes...

Every year around December, everyone at my church chooses a name/theme for their upcoming year. We all think about it and pray about it and try to hear what God is saying to us about the next year. Well, this year I really had no idea. No matter how much I thought or prayed, I just kind of felt...nothing. It was a little frustrating, because it seemed like everybody else had their name picked out and they were really excited about seeing how what they heard from God would play out in their lives. And by the end of the year, I think most people can look back and say that God really did what he told them he'd do. But I didn't feel I had heard anything.

I guess I still need to learn that God's plan for my life's seasons doesn't always exactly follow our calendar, because about two and a half months ago (about five months after we were all supposed to name our year), I finally heard something from God about it. It was pretty sudden and unexpected, too. I was going about my life, expecting it to stay relatively the same for the next several months. Sometime around May I felt God tell me, quite unexpectedly, "It's time for some change. It's time for some new beginnings." Oh, how I underestimated how this would play out.

The first big "new beginning"  was actually, in a lot of ways, an ending: quitting my job. I had thought about it before, but it just never felt like the right time. This time, however, I just knew it was right. I can't exactly explain it in logical terms, but it's like someone flipped a switch in me and it was so clear to me what I should do. I guess I can just say that the sheep know the shepherd's voice.

So I quit my job and went back to Minnesota for a few weeks, and it was exactly what I needed. I was super busy the whole time, but I think I needed  to reconnect to where I came from and the people I care about there. I had been struggling with mild depression for a few months and I just didn't know how to dig myself out, but it really helped me to have a bit of a retreat. Though I was completely physically exhausted after that trip, it refreshed me in other ways. I felt a lot more ready to take on the future when I got back to Taipei at the end of June.

The second new beginning came shortly after I returned to Taipei. My very good friend Eun Young and I became official members of our church. This is kind of big for me, because I spent A LOT of time after I first became a committed Christian floating around to different churches, never quite satisfied with any of them, never willing to commit to any of them. I've been going to church my whole life, I really and truly became a Christian about seven years ago, and yet I've never made any commitment to any church. This is a new chapter in which I am committing myself to belonging and contributing to a community of other believers. I'm really excited about officially being a member of this fantastic church family.

The third new beginning is that I found a new job...and God is definitely the one who orchestrated this. A friend of mine who had no idea I was quitting my job sent me a message asking me if I knew anyone who was looking for a job, because her school needed some new teachers for the fall semester. So I got the boss's contact information, applied for the job, and two interviews later I was hired, and I'll be starting the job in August or September. I'm really nervous because it's a totally different atmosphere than the one I came from, but I'm also excited because if God provided this job for me then there must be a reason.

The fourth new beginning has to do with my relationships with other people. I won't go into detail here, but God has shown me recently that reconciliation is possible, even when we feel hopeless about it. God really does want us to be in close relationships with others and learn how to have grace and forgiveness and generosity...which is incredibly necessary because we're all sinful and do and say the wrong things sometimes. So...reconciliation and also new friendships forming. It's really beautiful.

These four things have happened in the last two months...and I did not see any of them coming. Not even one of them. God has rearranged a lot of things in my life in a really sudden way. If this is only two months of my season of "new beginnings" I can't even begin to imagine what will come later. Only God knows, I guess.

Here's a picture of my new church home! It's cool because it's one of the tallest buildings in the area, and at night the cross lights up and you can see it for miles. 

A Year and Then Some

Guys, I'm really bad at remembering to actually update my blog. So...sorry about that.

But here I am now...and so many things have happened that I can't even begin to describe them all. It's like they say...day to day nothing changes, but when I look back I realize that somehow everything has changed. Anyways, I guess all I can really do is describe what's going on now. 

I've been in Taiwan for more than a year. Man, it feels weird to type that. It seems like just yesterday I was nervously boarding the plane at the airport in Minneapolis, unsure whether I was doing the right thing. I still remember my first few nights in Taipei so clearly...sometimes if I revisit some of my old stomping grounds from those days I can experience those emotions all over again. 

Life as an expat is really interesting. In a very good way, usually, but also sometimes in ways that make me want to just hide in my apartment. But my overall feeling is that this is where I'm supposed to be right now. For every annoyance, there are about ten things I love, so I guess dealing with a few extra hassles is really worth it in the end. 

Right now, Taiwan is entering the height of its summer heat, which means that my electricity (aka air conditioning) bill is also at its most expensive and I'm pretty sure I'm in a constant state of almost-dehydration. I also spend a significant amount of time and money hanging out at cafés, because...cold drinks, air conditioning, free wifi, waffles galore...need I go on? I love Taiwan, but I'm definitely not here for the weather...

So basically, I feel really at home here now. I've definitely changed a lot in the past year. For one thing, my Chinese has improved quite a bit (though it definitely has a long, loooooong way to go). I am not afraid to wander around new parts of the city by myself because my directional skills have gotten better (again...still not stellar, but improving..and I mean, Google maps exists for a reason, right?) I've grown to really like some stuff that once seemed super strange to me (tofu pudding with boiled peanuts, anyone??)

Gosh, I don't even know where to end this post. This year has meant so much to me. It's been such a beautiful experience in so many ways that I could never have dreamed up. I'm so grateful that God has been orchestrating this since way back in 2011,  and that he somehow convinced me--shy, timid, dependent little me--to move to the other side of the world in order to make me more and more into the person I'm meant to become. I am excited for the day when I can go back to the states for a visit, because I really miss a lot of people there...but for now I'm just really content with the path I've taken in life, because overall it's just so stinkin' great right now.

Culture Shock.

I'm here today to talk about a little thing called "culture shock"...or as I like to call it, "it feels like everything in my life sucks and is never going to get better." For about three weeks, I didn't really experience this feeling. I was still in the honeymoon stage in my relationship with Taiwan, and still am in many ways. But about a week ago, things changed. I was struggling to get used to my new job, I was feeling more homesick than I've ever felt before in my life, I was exhausted, and to be quite honest I kind of had an overall anger toward everything around me. I felt like everything was awful and was never, ever, ever going to get better.

Praise the Lord that only lasted about a day. Things started to get better after that. I'm not really sure why it took me so long to feel any sort of annoyance toward things around me, but when it came it hit me HARD. I was having thoughts like "What have I gotten myself into? Was this whole moving-far-far-away thing a terrible, terrible mistake? At least I only signed a year contract and I can leave after that if I hate it." I mean, I was already thinking about the day I could leave here. Now that it's been about a week since that low point I have a clearer head and I am not, thankfully, desperate to leave anymore.

Quite the contrary, actually. I'm starting to really enjoy certain things and make efforts to establish myself here. My teaching job has been getting better--I'm nowhere near perfect as a teacher, and I definitely still have a lot to learn and a lot of teaching skills to build, but I'm making progress. It feels good to learn and grow. I'm starting to become more open to meeting people and being friendly and attempting to use my limited Chinese skills when I can...and you know what? It's making a difference. Just last night, I stopped to buy guava from a guy who sells it from a stand down the street from my apartment. He asked me (in English) where I'm from, and I said (in Chinese) that I'm from America. He practically hyperventilated he was so excited that I could speak Chinese...so I told him I only speak a tiny bit of Chinese (in Chinese). He proceeded to say a bunch of stuff in Chinese...to my surprise I understood about half of it. But take note: if you use Chinese to tell a Chinese speaker that you speak a tiny tiny bit of Chinese, they will still assume you can understand everything they're saying.

And that's just one example. I've also become a regular at the 7-11 near the school I work at, and the same guy is always working at the time I go in. He doesn't seem to speak much English, but he uses the English he can, and I use the Chinese I can. I sit in the store for about half an hour eating a snack every day, and then when I leave he's super friendly and says "Bye bye!!" It's not like I know him very well, but it's nice to know I can go there before work every day and see the same friendly face. Establishing routines helps me not to feel so much like a lonely wanderer on the earth. And speaking of 7-11 guys...I've always thought the guys who work at the 7-11 by my apartment aren't very friendly...but today I managed to get a smile out of one of them, so that was a pretty big accomplishment in my mind. Maybe they're just not good at English and get nervous when white people walk in.

Anyways, I guess the whole point of this post is that I've definitely started to experience some culture shock. Only for about a day, but it was enough to remind me to slow down and not put so much pressure on myself to adjust before I'm really ready. You can't rush into adjusting to life in a new culture. You just can't. You have to take it one day at a time, deal with obstacles as they come, and remember that no matter how crappy you feel today, it WILL get better. Even though it doesn't feel like it. It really really will. And then one day you'll wake up and realize that some things you used to struggle with are just a little bit less of a struggle.

And another thing...when I lived in the U.S., I would say things about the fact that I really need God on a daily basis. How all of the good things come from above. How it's so important to depend on God. But let me tell you...moving to Taiwan has been a huge lesson in dependence. It's as if I wake up every day and have to go out into the world naked. That's how vulnerable I feel here sometimes. There are so many things I still can't really do without asking someone for help...and there are some things I have to deal with and adjust to here that no other human being can help me with. Especially when I first got here, I really and truly was forced to depend on God for everything, because I was clueless. Jobless. I had a week to find somewhere to stay, or I would be homeless. And you know what? That was a very practical lesson in depending on God even when I'm not forced to. Because God provided in awesome ways. I learned to have more trust in God even in the things where I could trust myself instead. I'm not saying I have perfect trust at all times, but I am saying that I got to experience God's provision and faithfulness in ways I hadn't before. So the struggles I go through, the culture shock I experience...it's worth it. It's worth it not because of the adventure of it all, but because God called me here and because I (with a decent amount of terror in my heart) followed the call, I get to experience God in new and different ways. Ways I'm not sure I would've if I had stayed in my comfort zone. Yes, I have experienced some really awful moments (emotionally) since getting here...but I don't regret coming here. Not for one second.

Observations.

I have only been in Taipei for about a week, but I'd like to share a few observations I've made since arriving.

1) Sometimes "it doesn't have any meat in it" actually means "it might have some chicken in it"

2)There are creepy middle-aged construction workers in every country.

3)We Americans are louder than we realize.

4)It sucks when you get home and realize that the 7-11 guy gave you a skinny straw for your jelly drink.

5)It's hard to find rubbing alcohol at the store when you can't read Chinese and don't know how to explain it in Chinese to the people working there.

6)Maybe this one is just me, but I feel uncomfortable when I see other white people here that I don't know.

7)Taiwanese people are super friendly. I realize that's a huge generalization, but all the people I've met so far are friendly. Except the security guard in this apartment building...he's helpful, but a little scary sometimes.

8) Night markets are all fun and games until you walk past the boiled organs stand.

9)This is more of a question, but...how can Taiwanese people not be much fatter than they are with all these delicious bakeries everywhere?

10) Tofu is way better here than when I try to cook it myself. I think I'll leave that to the pros.


Basically...I'm having a pretty great time here so far, thanks to all the friends who have been helping along the way. I can't emphasize enough how grateful I am for them, because without those kind people who have given up their time and energy to help us, this experience would be a much harder one. Hopefully someday when I'm settled and more experienced in Taipei life, I can pay it forward.

So...I guess I'm in Taipei now, huh?

This will be semi-short...partly because I'm writing it on my ipod and partly because I'm still processing things. 

In some ways, it still doesn't feel real that I'm here. Two years of thinking about it, a year of preparing for it, and now I'm ACTUALLY HERE. It's weird because my last few days at home I was a nervous wreck. I was freaking out and wondering if I was doing the right thing. Now that I'm here...I still can't know for sure. All I know is that amid the challenges and frustrations, there's definitely a big part of me that loves it here. At least so far. And I still have anxieties about all the things that aren't quite settled yet...but I guess it wouldn't be a very adventurous adventure without at least a few unknowns. Plus, it's in the times where I have no clue that God has space to really do what he does. I've already seen his provision in many ways in the four or so days I've been here. 

It's been great to catch up with a couple of friends and see the sights...maybe not so great to smell some of the smells ;) In all seriousness, though...I am blown away by the hospitality Dayna and I have been shown so far. I remember before coming here two years ago, my professor told me that Taipei is probably the friendliest big city out there. I haven't been to many other large cities, but based on what I've experienced here I'm inclined to believe him. 

Anyways, I just wanted to update and say that it's been a good experience so far and now I'm just trusting that God will open and close doors to lead me down the path that I should take...and he'll be right beside me as I navigate the crazy, frustrating, overwhelming, exciting sea of adventure that is my life right now. :)

Too much stuff.

Recently I've unexpectedly had a few days off of work. After spending a day doing nothing but being lazy and drinking coffee and watching a whole lot of daytime television, I decided it's time to clean out my closet/entire room. I'm moving out of the country in 39 days and all I can take with me are two large suitcases, one small carry on, and a backpack. I definitely can't bring everything with me, and I don't want to leave too much stuff in my parents' house. I just want to be free of all that extra stuff.

So anyways, when I started to go through all of my stuff, something unexpected happened. It became a very difficult, very emotional process for me. I think part of the reason for that is that the American materialistic attitude is more deeply ingrained in me than I realized. Sometimes I attach too much value to things instead of realizing that the memories are there even if the things aren't. And I tend to feel like I need things that, in reality, are completely unnecessary. Another widespread attitude among Americans, from what I've seen.

Another reason for the emotional distress, I think, is the reason behind me getting rid of almost everything I own. It marks a pretty big change in my life. It marks me embarking upon something scary and exciting. I mean, getting rid of most of my possessions and moving to the other side of the world with only a couple of suitcases and my own adventurous spirit is pretty big, right?

Another unexpected thing is happening as I slowly sort through everything. I'm learning some things about myself and doing a lot of thinking about life. As I put things in the "give away" box, I feel as if every item is a weight lifted off of me. I'm learning that about 99% of the things I've always taken for granted and assumed I "needed" are totally extra. And for some reason I am having trouble parting with a lot of it, even though it doesn't even serve much of a purpose in my life. That's quite a realization for me. About 99% of what I own are things I DO NOT NEED. And I have the nerve to ever think I'm not wealthy? Because I am. I'm much wealthier than many, many people in the world. But I'm also learning that material wealth doesn't equal happiness. For me, material wealth is a weight I have to drag around. One thing that's motivating me to push through the emotions of parting with my stuff is the vision I have of owning a minimal amount of possessions and having the freedom to move and to live without so much clutter in my life. I think that's what all this stuff is really doing for me...adding clutter. Not value. Clutter. I'd rather have a few things that actually matter than a million things that are just kind of...there.

I was watching the show "Hoarders" with my mom tonight, and that convinced me even more of how much I want to be free of all this extra stuff. I'm nowhere near hoarder level, and I don't think having material possessions is such a bad thing, really. But when those things accumulate to such an extent that they detract from quality of life rather than adding beauty or value or functionality, they become more of a curse than a blessing. Life becomes a cycle of trying to accumulate stuff and hold on to that stuff, and then it's easy to become too attached and it becomes a distraction from what really matters. Maybe that's why Jesus said it's really difficult for a rich man to go to heaven...we can only serve one master. And when there's too much material wealth around, it's easy for that to become our master instead of God.

Anyways, I guess what I'm trying to say is that starting the very practical and necessary process of getting rid of most of the things I own has turned into a time of personal reflection and spiritual revelation that I did not foresee. The small amount of stuff I've gotten rid of so far has already given me a feeling of freedom, so I'm excited to see what it feels like to rid myself of all the other extra stuff. And I encourage anyone reading this to consider the possessions you let into your life and do some reflection about whether those things are adding beauty and value to your life or robbing you of peace. Because I truly believe that even though it might go against our nature NOT to seek all those shiny new things advertised on TV every day, the more we can learn to discern how much is too much, the simpler life will become and the more we'll be able to focus on what really matters. And that's my goal: to live life more simply and with more focus on things that are more meaningful than all the clutter I keep trying to hang on to.

Your father's good pleasure

“Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom." Luke 12:32

 

I was reading in Luke today, and Luke 12:32 really stood out to me. So often, it's easy to feel like I have to earn what God gives me. Like God will love me more or give me more grace if I just stop being so stupid and just try harder. It's like I imagine God as a delinquent father who sends a few dollars of child support every month because he made us and has to take responsibility.

But that's so far from the truth. God is happy to give us the kingdom. He loves us, PERIOD. No conditions. I need to stop living like God begrudgingly gives us the bare minimum when the truth is that he sees us as a treasure that he willingly gave up everything for on the cross. I am a child of God, and it's about time I started really and truly believing it and living it.