Your father's good pleasure

“Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom." Luke 12:32

 

I was reading in Luke today, and Luke 12:32 really stood out to me. So often, it's easy to feel like I have to earn what God gives me. Like God will love me more or give me more grace if I just stop being so stupid and just try harder. It's like I imagine God as a delinquent father who sends a few dollars of child support every month because he made us and has to take responsibility.

But that's so far from the truth. God is happy to give us the kingdom. He loves us, PERIOD. No conditions. I need to stop living like God begrudgingly gives us the bare minimum when the truth is that he sees us as a treasure that he willingly gave up everything for on the cross. I am a child of God, and it's about time I started really and truly believing it and living it.

 



Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders

There are 79 days left until I leave for Taipei. People are constantly asking me "It's getting so close! Are you really excited?" And my honest answer to that question is..."sometimes." Of course I'm excited about a lot of things. I'm excited to see people I love that I haven't seen in a long time. I'm excited to experience another culture on a totally different level than I ever have before. I'm excited for mountains and bubble tea and the subway and the bustle of a big city. But I'm also really sad and scared about some things. At least a few times I day I stop and think "wow, I'm really, really going to miss this." I'm going to miss the convenience of actually knowing the language being spoken around me. I'm going to miss playing with my dog. I'm going to miss the sounds of my family watching TV or cooking dinner or working in the garage. I'm going to miss sitting in the break room at work and talking to my coworkers. I'm going to miss so many things.

But this is where the rubber meets the road when it comes to faith. I don't really know what is waiting for me in Taipei. There are so many things I don't have a plan for, things I can't even begin to plan for because living in a new place brings with it unexpected challenges. I could spend the rest of my time at home trying to plan every little detail, and I'm one hundred percent confident that there would still be challenges I didn't foresee. I've been thinking a lot about faith lately. It's so easy to let myself think that faith is supposed to be an easy road, but the truth is that it isn't always. Sometimes I just have to close my eyes and jump, trusting that God will be there waiting to catch me. In this phase of my life, I am acutely aware that I absolutely do not have things under control. If God doesn't make a way for me, the few plans I do have will not work out. At all.

So my prayer now is that God would teach me to have trust without borders, both literally and figuratively. I want faith that is not limited by place or time or circumstances. God has always come through before, and it is His PROMISE that He'll never leave me or forsake me. That is what I am clinging to as I process all of the emotions I have toward moving to a new country. I know that whether I am in Taiwan for a month or a lifetime, God goes before me and stays beside me, fighting for me all the way. All I have to do is trust Him.

Tracing the Lines

Things look different when you know you have a limited time left with them. Knowing I only have just over three months left of the way my life is now gives me a whole new perspective. My happy anticipation of the future is tinged with a certain sadness at my present receding into my past.

Recently there was about a month where the plans I was making for the future were motivated by my desire to run away from a present that I wasn't satisfied in. But God has transformed my heart so that now I feel satisfied even in situations that aren't ideal. I've learned that no matter how many places I run to seek satisfaction in life, I'll never find it in this world apart from God. My future is no longer motivated by discontent, and that is truly a blessing. A blessing that makes moving on to a new stage of life just a little bit more bittersweet, because I've grown to love the people around me so much more than I ever expected to. After all, I thought that what I'm doing now was just a short pit stop on the way to something else. Now I've found that it's become something that I think I will always remember as one of the sweetest blessings in my life.

I guess this bittersweetness is a good thing, because what it really means is that I have had a good life and I'm moving from one good thing to another good thing. It means that I'm not running all over the world seeking contentment, but I am now able to recognize that God's love is present in my life in every circumstance and He's put wonderful things in my life that are worth missing when I leave.

It is an inexplicably great thing to be able to step back and trace the lines of God's love in the past few months of my life.

109 Days...

109 days is the amount of time left before the flight I just booked to Taipei, Taiwan. I've been thinking and dreaming about this for so long, and now that I decided to take the plunge and buy the plane ticket and just DO IT, it feels pretty surreal. There's definitely a huge difference between thinking about doing something and actually doing it.

Now, some people think I'm a little crazy because I just spent a lot of money on a plane ticket to go live in another country, but I don't really have anything in order for when I get there yet. I still have to find a job. I still have to apply for a visa (maybe?). Basically, I have no idea what I'm getting myself into. I can see why it looks crazy. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and think, "Are you crazy, Ashley?" I think anyone who knows me can answer that question ;-)

But seriously, for a while I've just felt this huge desire to go to Taiwan, and things in my life (you know, besides having a job lined up before buying a plane ticket...) have been pointing me in that direction, and so I decided that I'm just going to take the next step and trust God to help me figure the rest out. I can't know for sure that this is going to work out, and it would be a lie to say that I wouldn't be pretty disappointed if it didn't. However, if I don't at least give it a try, I know that I'll always regret it and wonder "what if...?" Don't get me wrong, I have my moments of anxiety over how many unknowns are still left...who wouldn't? I have a mixture of excitement and anxiety, and I just keep praying that God would calm my fears and guide me as I plan.

I guess that's really all I have to say. There are a million other things running through my mind these past few days since Dayna and I stayed up on Skype until 3am figuring out (and booking) our flight, but if I shared all of those on the internet then everyone really would think I'm a psycho. This post is basically just to share the exciting and frightening news that I booked a plane ticket to Taiwan, and I have anxieties about moving to a foreign country (as anyone would), but I am so, so grateful for the ways in which God has provided for this adventure...both financially and through the support of many friends, both American friends that I will miss when I leave and Taiwanese friends that I can't wait to reunite with when I arrive <3

It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.
{Deuteronomy 31:8}

This Life Ain't Big Enough for the Two of Us

I was reading Francis Chan's book Crazy Love today and in the chapter I'm reading he quotes Ecclesiastes 7:2, which says:

It is better to go to a house of mourning

than to go to a house of feasting,

for death is the destiny of every man;

the living should take this to heart. 

It made me realize that I usually don't take it to heart that death is my destiny, and that I don't live like it is most of the time. Instead, I often live in fear and hold myself back because of worries and what-ifs. Well lately, it has started to hit me that this is no way to live. When I was still in school, I had things built into my life that kept me distracted and busy, so I didn't notice so much that I avoided things that scare me. Or that I'm bad at being proactive and confident about things (probably because putting myself out there and risking failure is hugely scary to me). I did a few things that made me mildly nervous but usually it was something that I considered to be relatively "safe."

Now I live at home with my parents. I work at the same job I've always worked at (all through high school, summers when I went to college, and now after graduating), I don't have much of a community nearby (this isn't to say I don't still really love and appreciate my brothers and sisters who don't live nearby), and I am just plain BORED. It's a kind of boredom and complacency that I haven't really experienced before, and I'm growing more and more frustrated with the fact that my life feels as if it's going absolutely nowhere right now. I don't know where I'll end up or what I'll be doing, but I do know that right now I feel extremely restless and I just want to do something besides live with my parents and work just enough to pay the bills (don't get me wrong--I am very thankful that I have parents who are willing to help me out and a job that has been a blessing in ways I never expected). I know that's the way a lot of people live--existing, doing what they must to get by, settling into predictability. And in some ways, it is much more comfortable to live that way. But, contrary to what those people (and I) may sometimes feel, I think that way of living has hidden risks--which makes it all the more risky. By staying comfortable and "safe" you are risking--no, giving up--the tremendous opportunities there are to have life to the full, which is what God wants for us all. I'm not saying everybody has to go off on crazy adventures all the time, but there are definitely simple ways of getting outside your comfort zone and doing something new--perhaps even something that's scary for you. I guess what I'm saying is that you can risk failure or disappointment by doing something that's scary, or you can risk missing out on life by staying inside whatever little box is comfortable for you.

I'm definitely still figuring life out, just like everybody else. I'm still learning how to trust God with my life so much so that I can go out with faith, not knowing what will happen but trusting that God has everything under control. I'm still not sure exactly where my life will take me (though I do have certain hopes and inklings which most people who have talked to me in the past year and a half know all about ;-) ) and I am still struggling with how to get myself out of this rut of inaction and fear of failure. But I think I am finally starting to take it to heart that I don't have forever, and I just can't waste so much time being fearful. It's not how God wants me to live. Even though I have plenty of fears left in me, I am praying and I am hopeful that I can start trusting God more (with His help). In the end, I think my biggest fear is that I will let the opportunities and experiences of life pass my by because I'm too afraid of taking risks.

Like I said, I still don't know exactly the path my life will take, but what I do know is that it's high time I look my fears straight in the eye, tell them "this life ain't big enough for the two of us," and then JUST DO SOMETHING. Because I can't have abundant fear and abundant life at the same time. It's just not possible.

I'll leave you with a quote by Oswald Chambers that has been encouraging me:

You don’t know what you are going to do. The only thing you know is that God knows what He is doing. Continually examine your attitude toward God to see if you are willing to “go out” in every area of your life, trusting in God entirely. It is this attitude that keeps you in constant wonder, because you don’t know what God is going to do next. Each morning as you wake, there is a new opportunity to “go out,” building your confidence in God.  (My Utmost for His Highest, January 2)

Moth and Rust and Hurricane

I have been watching a lot of news stories about the aftermath of Hurricane Sandy in the past day or so, and I find it really heartbreaking. So many people are being interviewed who are completely distraught because their homes are flooded (some even burned down) and they've lost nearly everything. I can't even imagine what that would feel like...to be forced to leave my home, and to return to find it destroyed along with all of the possessions inside. It must be so unreal.

But even more tragic than the loss of all of those things is the attachment we have to our possessions. I feel that attachment too, as much as I wish I didn't. Of course it's hard to lose everything, and there's no way I can know exactly what that's like because I've never been through it.

Jesus knew of our attachment to material wealth. That's why he said things like "Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions" (Luke 13:15) and "Do not store up for yourselves treasures on Earth, where moths and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal" (Matthew 6:19). People (including me) have an unhealthy attachment to wealth and possessions.

I don't mean to be unsympathetic toward the people who are suffering so much in the wake of Hurricane Sandy. I don't mean to disregard the pain that these people are feeling, many of whom have lost their homes and are left with nothing but the clothes on their backs. I'm just saying that this is a reminder to me that things on this earth are temporary. They can be (and often are) destroyed by moth and rust (and hurricane). So what are we to do in light of such knowledge? Jesus says "store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy and thieves do not break in and steal. For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also" (Matthew 6:20).

I hope and pray not only that people will find comfort during this difficult time, but that this will cause some people on the to seriously seek Truth in a time where they've lost everything else. I do not rejoice that this disaster has happened, but if even one person turns to Christ as a result of disaster in their lives, then I think THAT is something to rejoice over, because He is the giver of true life, peace, and hope. <3

The Prostitute that Jesus Loves (and I Should Love, Too)

My job can get really monotonous. Most days I pretty much just stand in one place and do basically the same task over and over for 7.5 hours. It gives me time to think.

Sometimes I just pause and look at the people around me. Maybe this is weird, but sometimes I just watch people for a minute. Working, walking, getting a drink from the drinking fountain (or bubbler for some of my crazy WI friends). My co-workers are a pretty diverse group of people, in terms of race, religion, personality, and age. This might sound odd as well, but watching all these different people doing normal, everyday things just makes me feel so much love for them. Even though at first we all seem to be really different, we're also very much the same in a lot of ways. I think a lot about the beauty of what God created in humans, and the love that He has for us. I was thinking the other day about the fact that God created humans in His own image, which means that in every person is some reflection of who God is. How cool is that? Even people who do not believe in or love the Lord receive so much from Him and are RIDICULOUSLY valuable because they were made by God and are loved by Him.

Which reminds me of Hosea, whom God told to marry a prostitute and remain faithful to her even in her unfaithfulness. I love this picture of what the Lord did/does in the world. The world has been so unfaithful to God, but what is His response? His response is Jesus Christ, down on one knee, saying He wants us anyways. He's essentially proposing to a prostitute, just like Hosea did. Who am I to reject people God loves this much? Who am I to question their worth when God has expressed such a desire for them? It doesn't matter who it is or what they do/have done, because at the end of the day God rescued me from MY hopelessness and depravity so that I could bring good news to others, regardless of THEIR sin.

These are just some thoughts I've been having while working lately. I want to try harder to be really open to getting to know the people around me and to love them well.

Side note: there's a Christian guy who comes in to work sometimes, and while we were working one night we were chatting about how I want to move to Taiwan and he looked at me and said "But you know, there's definitely a mission field right here, too. I definitely ain't here for the money..." It was really encouraging to hear him say that. Sometimes I struggle with thinking "What if I'm supposed to stay right here and reach these people? What if I go off to Taiwan and THIS is where God wants me?" ...but it just made me remember that God is able to raise up laborers wherever He wants to. He can accomplish His purposes without me...but he gives me the honor of being part of loving the people He loves and redeeming the people He wants to redeem. And there's comfort in knowing that even if I leave, there are still people at my job that want to love and invest in the people there, who are willing to be used by God. It's encouraging and strengthening to know that I'm not the only one there with that goal. God is so faithful in bringing His people together to strengthen each other.

Anyways, the point of this whole rambling train of thought: God loves us all. We are all worth a whole lot to him. Because I know that truth, it is my job to love God and love the people around me, whether I happen to be in Brooklyn Park, MN or Taipei, Taiwan. Where I am does not change what my purpose is.