I'm here today to talk about a little thing called "culture shock"...or as I like to call it, "it feels like everything in my life sucks and is never going to get better." For about three weeks, I didn't really experience this feeling. I was still in the honeymoon stage in my relationship with Taiwan, and still am in many ways. But about a week ago, things changed. I was struggling to get used to my new job, I was feeling more homesick than I've ever felt before in my life, I was exhausted, and to be quite honest I kind of had an overall anger toward everything around me. I felt like everything was awful and was never, ever, ever going to get better.
Praise the Lord that only lasted about a day. Things started to get better after that. I'm not really sure why it took me so long to feel any sort of annoyance toward things around me, but when it came it hit me HARD. I was having thoughts like "What have I gotten myself into? Was this whole moving-far-far-away thing a terrible, terrible mistake? At least I only signed a year contract and I can leave after that if I hate it." I mean, I was already thinking about the day I could leave here. Now that it's been about a week since that low point I have a clearer head and I am not, thankfully, desperate to leave anymore.
Quite the contrary, actually. I'm starting to really enjoy certain things and make efforts to establish myself here. My teaching job has been getting better--I'm nowhere near perfect as a teacher, and I definitely still have a lot to learn and a lot of teaching skills to build, but I'm making progress. It feels good to learn and grow. I'm starting to become more open to meeting people and being friendly and attempting to use my limited Chinese skills when I can...and you know what? It's making a difference. Just last night, I stopped to buy guava from a guy who sells it from a stand down the street from my apartment. He asked me (in English) where I'm from, and I said (in Chinese) that I'm from America. He practically hyperventilated he was so excited that I could speak Chinese...so I told him I only speak a tiny bit of Chinese (in Chinese). He proceeded to say a bunch of stuff in Chinese...to my surprise I understood about half of it. But take note: if you use Chinese to tell a Chinese speaker that you speak a tiny tiny bit of Chinese, they will still assume you can understand everything they're saying.
And that's just one example. I've also become a regular at the 7-11 near the school I work at, and the same guy is always working at the time I go in. He doesn't seem to speak much English, but he uses the English he can, and I use the Chinese I can. I sit in the store for about half an hour eating a snack every day, and then when I leave he's super friendly and says "Bye bye!!" It's not like I know him very well, but it's nice to know I can go there before work every day and see the same friendly face. Establishing routines helps me not to feel so much like a lonely wanderer on the earth. And speaking of 7-11 guys...I've always thought the guys who work at the 7-11 by my apartment aren't very friendly...but today I managed to get a smile out of one of them, so that was a pretty big accomplishment in my mind. Maybe they're just not good at English and get nervous when white people walk in.
Anyways, I guess the whole point of this post is that I've definitely started to experience some culture shock. Only for about a day, but it was enough to remind me to slow down and not put so much pressure on myself to adjust before I'm really ready. You can't rush into adjusting to life in a new culture. You just can't. You have to take it one day at a time, deal with obstacles as they come, and remember that no matter how crappy you feel today, it WILL get better. Even though it doesn't feel like it. It really really will. And then one day you'll wake up and realize that some things you used to struggle with are just a little bit less of a struggle.
And another thing...when I lived in the U.S., I would say things about the fact that I really need God on a daily basis. How all of the good things come from above. How it's so important to depend on God. But let me tell you...moving to Taiwan has been a huge lesson in dependence. It's as if I wake up every day and have to go out into the world naked. That's how vulnerable I feel here sometimes. There are so many things I still can't really do without asking someone for help...and there are some things I have to deal with and adjust to here that no other human being can help me with. Especially when I first got here, I really and truly was forced to depend on God for everything, because I was clueless. Jobless. I had a week to find somewhere to stay, or I would be homeless. And you know what? That was a very practical lesson in depending on God even when I'm not forced to. Because God provided in awesome ways. I learned to have more trust in God even in the things where I could trust myself instead. I'm not saying I have perfect trust at all times, but I am saying that I got to experience God's provision and faithfulness in ways I hadn't before. So the struggles I go through, the culture shock I experience...it's worth it. It's worth it not because of the adventure of it all, but because God called me here and because I (with a decent amount of terror in my heart) followed the call, I get to experience God in new and different ways. Ways I'm not sure I would've if I had stayed in my comfort zone. Yes, I have experienced some really awful moments (emotionally) since getting here...but I don't regret coming here. Not for one second.
Friday, July 26, 2013
Wednesday, July 3, 2013
Observations.
I have only been in Taipei for about a week, but I'd like to share a few observations I've made since arriving.
1) Sometimes "it doesn't have any meat in it" actually means "it might have some chicken in it"
2)There are creepy middle-aged construction workers in every country.
3)We Americans are louder than we realize.
4)It sucks when you get home and realize that the 7-11 guy gave you a skinny straw for your jelly drink.
5)It's hard to find rubbing alcohol at the store when you can't read Chinese and don't know how to explain it in Chinese to the people working there.
6)Maybe this one is just me, but I feel uncomfortable when I see other white people here that I don't know.
7)Taiwanese people are super friendly. I realize that's a huge generalization, but all the people I've met so far are friendly. Except the security guard in this apartment building...he's helpful, but a little scary sometimes.
8) Night markets are all fun and games until you walk past the boiled organs stand.
9)This is more of a question, but...how can Taiwanese people not be much fatter than they are with all these delicious bakeries everywhere?
10) Tofu is way better here than when I try to cook it myself. I think I'll leave that to the pros.
Basically...I'm having a pretty great time here so far, thanks to all the friends who have been helping along the way. I can't emphasize enough how grateful I am for them, because without those kind people who have given up their time and energy to help us, this experience would be a much harder one. Hopefully someday when I'm settled and more experienced in Taipei life, I can pay it forward.
1) Sometimes "it doesn't have any meat in it" actually means "it might have some chicken in it"
2)There are creepy middle-aged construction workers in every country.
3)We Americans are louder than we realize.
4)It sucks when you get home and realize that the 7-11 guy gave you a skinny straw for your jelly drink.
5)It's hard to find rubbing alcohol at the store when you can't read Chinese and don't know how to explain it in Chinese to the people working there.
6)Maybe this one is just me, but I feel uncomfortable when I see other white people here that I don't know.
7)Taiwanese people are super friendly. I realize that's a huge generalization, but all the people I've met so far are friendly. Except the security guard in this apartment building...he's helpful, but a little scary sometimes.
8) Night markets are all fun and games until you walk past the boiled organs stand.
9)This is more of a question, but...how can Taiwanese people not be much fatter than they are with all these delicious bakeries everywhere?
10) Tofu is way better here than when I try to cook it myself. I think I'll leave that to the pros.
Basically...I'm having a pretty great time here so far, thanks to all the friends who have been helping along the way. I can't emphasize enough how grateful I am for them, because without those kind people who have given up their time and energy to help us, this experience would be a much harder one. Hopefully someday when I'm settled and more experienced in Taipei life, I can pay it forward.
Sunday, June 30, 2013
So...I guess I'm in Taipei now, huh?
This will be semi-short...partly because I'm writing it on my ipod and partly because I'm still processing things.
In some ways, it still doesn't feel real that I'm here. Two years of thinking about it, a year of preparing for it, and now I'm ACTUALLY HERE. It's weird because my last few days at home I was a nervous wreck. I was freaking out and wondering if I was doing the right thing. Now that I'm here...I still can't know for sure. All I know is that amid the challenges and frustrations, there's definitely a big part of me that loves it here. At least so far. And I still have anxieties about all the things that aren't quite settled yet...but I guess it wouldn't be a very adventurous adventure without at least a few unknowns. Plus, it's in the times where I have no clue that God has space to really do what he does. I've already seen his provision in many ways in the four or so days I've been here.
It's been great to catch up with a couple of friends and see the sights...maybe not so great to smell some of the smells ;) In all seriousness, though...I am blown away by the hospitality Dayna and I have been shown so far. I remember before coming here two years ago, my professor told me that Taipei is probably the friendliest big city out there. I haven't been to many other large cities, but based on what I've experienced here I'm inclined to believe him.
Anyways, I just wanted to update and say that it's been a good experience so far and now I'm just trusting that God will open and close doors to lead me down the path that I should take...and he'll be right beside me as I navigate the crazy, frustrating, overwhelming, exciting sea of adventure that is my life right now. :)
Friday, May 17, 2013
Too much stuff.
Recently I've unexpectedly had a few days off of work. After spending a day doing nothing but being lazy and drinking coffee and watching a whole lot of daytime television, I decided it's time to clean out my closet/entire room. I'm moving out of the country in 39 days and all I can take with me are two large suitcases, one small carry on, and a backpack. I definitely can't bring everything with me, and I don't want to leave too much stuff in my parents' house. I just want to be free of all that extra stuff.
So anyways, when I started to go through all of my stuff, something unexpected happened. It became a very difficult, very emotional process for me. I think part of the reason for that is that the American materialistic attitude is more deeply ingrained in me than I realized. Sometimes I attach too much value to things instead of realizing that the memories are there even if the things aren't. And I tend to feel like I need things that, in reality, are completely unnecessary. Another widespread attitude among Americans, from what I've seen.
Another reason for the emotional distress, I think, is the reason behind me getting rid of almost everything I own. It marks a pretty big change in my life. It marks me embarking upon something scary and exciting. I mean, getting rid of most of my possessions and moving to the other side of the world with only a couple of suitcases and my own adventurous spirit is pretty big, right?
Another unexpected thing is happening as I slowly sort through everything. I'm learning some things about myself and doing a lot of thinking about life. As I put things in the "give away" box, I feel as if every item is a weight lifted off of me. I'm learning that about 99% of the things I've always taken for granted and assumed I "needed" are totally extra. And for some reason I am having trouble parting with a lot of it, even though it doesn't even serve much of a purpose in my life. That's quite a realization for me. About 99% of what I own are things I DO NOT NEED. And I have the nerve to ever think I'm not wealthy? Because I am. I'm much wealthier than many, many people in the world. But I'm also learning that material wealth doesn't equal happiness. For me, material wealth is a weight I have to drag around. One thing that's motivating me to push through the emotions of parting with my stuff is the vision I have of owning a minimal amount of possessions and having the freedom to move and to live without so much clutter in my life. I think that's what all this stuff is really doing for me...adding clutter. Not value. Clutter. I'd rather have a few things that actually matter than a million things that are just kind of...there.
I was watching the show "Hoarders" with my mom tonight, and that convinced me even more of how much I want to be free of all this extra stuff. I'm nowhere near hoarder level, and I don't think having material possessions is such a bad thing, really. But when those things accumulate to such an extent that they detract from quality of life rather than adding beauty or value or functionality, they become more of a curse than a blessing. Life becomes a cycle of trying to accumulate stuff and hold on to that stuff, and then it's easy to become too attached and it becomes a distraction from what really matters. Maybe that's why Jesus said it's really difficult for a rich man to go to heaven...we can only serve one master. And when there's too much material wealth around, it's easy for that to become our master instead of God.
Anyways, I guess what I'm trying to say is that starting the very practical and necessary process of getting rid of most of the things I own has turned into a time of personal reflection and spiritual revelation that I did not foresee. The small amount of stuff I've gotten rid of so far has already given me a feeling of freedom, so I'm excited to see what it feels like to rid myself of all the other extra stuff. And I encourage anyone reading this to consider the possessions you let into your life and do some reflection about whether those things are adding beauty and value to your life or robbing you of peace. Because I truly believe that even though it might go against our nature NOT to seek all those shiny new things advertised on TV every day, the more we can learn to discern how much is too much, the simpler life will become and the more we'll be able to focus on what really matters. And that's my goal: to live life more simply and with more focus on things that are more meaningful than all the clutter I keep trying to hang on to.
So anyways, when I started to go through all of my stuff, something unexpected happened. It became a very difficult, very emotional process for me. I think part of the reason for that is that the American materialistic attitude is more deeply ingrained in me than I realized. Sometimes I attach too much value to things instead of realizing that the memories are there even if the things aren't. And I tend to feel like I need things that, in reality, are completely unnecessary. Another widespread attitude among Americans, from what I've seen.
Another reason for the emotional distress, I think, is the reason behind me getting rid of almost everything I own. It marks a pretty big change in my life. It marks me embarking upon something scary and exciting. I mean, getting rid of most of my possessions and moving to the other side of the world with only a couple of suitcases and my own adventurous spirit is pretty big, right?
Another unexpected thing is happening as I slowly sort through everything. I'm learning some things about myself and doing a lot of thinking about life. As I put things in the "give away" box, I feel as if every item is a weight lifted off of me. I'm learning that about 99% of the things I've always taken for granted and assumed I "needed" are totally extra. And for some reason I am having trouble parting with a lot of it, even though it doesn't even serve much of a purpose in my life. That's quite a realization for me. About 99% of what I own are things I DO NOT NEED. And I have the nerve to ever think I'm not wealthy? Because I am. I'm much wealthier than many, many people in the world. But I'm also learning that material wealth doesn't equal happiness. For me, material wealth is a weight I have to drag around. One thing that's motivating me to push through the emotions of parting with my stuff is the vision I have of owning a minimal amount of possessions and having the freedom to move and to live without so much clutter in my life. I think that's what all this stuff is really doing for me...adding clutter. Not value. Clutter. I'd rather have a few things that actually matter than a million things that are just kind of...there.
I was watching the show "Hoarders" with my mom tonight, and that convinced me even more of how much I want to be free of all this extra stuff. I'm nowhere near hoarder level, and I don't think having material possessions is such a bad thing, really. But when those things accumulate to such an extent that they detract from quality of life rather than adding beauty or value or functionality, they become more of a curse than a blessing. Life becomes a cycle of trying to accumulate stuff and hold on to that stuff, and then it's easy to become too attached and it becomes a distraction from what really matters. Maybe that's why Jesus said it's really difficult for a rich man to go to heaven...we can only serve one master. And when there's too much material wealth around, it's easy for that to become our master instead of God.
Anyways, I guess what I'm trying to say is that starting the very practical and necessary process of getting rid of most of the things I own has turned into a time of personal reflection and spiritual revelation that I did not foresee. The small amount of stuff I've gotten rid of so far has already given me a feeling of freedom, so I'm excited to see what it feels like to rid myself of all the other extra stuff. And I encourage anyone reading this to consider the possessions you let into your life and do some reflection about whether those things are adding beauty and value to your life or robbing you of peace. Because I truly believe that even though it might go against our nature NOT to seek all those shiny new things advertised on TV every day, the more we can learn to discern how much is too much, the simpler life will become and the more we'll be able to focus on what really matters. And that's my goal: to live life more simply and with more focus on things that are more meaningful than all the clutter I keep trying to hang on to.
Monday, April 8, 2013
Your father's good pleasure
“Fear not, little flock, for it is your Father’s good pleasure to give you the kingdom." Luke 12:32
I was reading in Luke today, and Luke 12:32 really stood out to me. So often, it's easy to feel like I have to earn what God gives me. Like God will love me more or give me more grace if I just stop being so stupid and just try harder. It's like I imagine God as a delinquent father who sends a few dollars of child support every month because he made us and has to take responsibility.
But that's so far from the truth. God is happy to give us the kingdom. He loves us, PERIOD. No conditions. I need to stop living like God begrudgingly gives us the bare minimum when the truth is that he sees us as a treasure that he willingly gave up everything for on the cross. I am a child of God, and it's about time I started really and truly believing it and living it.
But that's so far from the truth. God is happy to give us the kingdom. He loves us, PERIOD. No conditions. I need to stop living like God begrudgingly gives us the bare minimum when the truth is that he sees us as a treasure that he willingly gave up everything for on the cross. I am a child of God, and it's about time I started really and truly believing it and living it.
Sunday, April 7, 2013
Spirit, lead me where my trust is without borders
There are 79 days left until I leave for Taipei. People are constantly asking me "It's getting so close! Are you really excited?" And my honest answer to that question is..."sometimes." Of course I'm excited about a lot of things. I'm excited to see people I love that I haven't seen in a long time. I'm excited to experience another culture on a totally different level than I ever have before. I'm excited for mountains and bubble tea and the subway and the bustle of a big city. But I'm also really sad and scared about some things. At least a few times I day I stop and think "wow, I'm really, really going to miss this." I'm going to miss the convenience of actually knowing the language being spoken around me. I'm going to miss playing with my dog. I'm going to miss the sounds of my family watching TV or cooking dinner or working in the garage. I'm going to miss sitting in the break room at work and talking to my coworkers. I'm going to miss so many things.
But this is where the rubber meets the road when it comes to faith. I don't really know what is waiting for me in Taipei. There are so many things I don't have a plan for, things I can't even begin to plan for because living in a new place brings with it unexpected challenges. I could spend the rest of my time at home trying to plan every little detail, and I'm one hundred percent confident that there would still be challenges I didn't foresee. I've been thinking a lot about faith lately. It's so easy to let myself think that faith is supposed to be an easy road, but the truth is that it isn't always. Sometimes I just have to close my eyes and jump, trusting that God will be there waiting to catch me. In this phase of my life, I am acutely aware that I absolutely do not have things under control. If God doesn't make a way for me, the few plans I do have will not work out. At all.
So my prayer now is that God would teach me to have trust without borders, both literally and figuratively. I want faith that is not limited by place or time or circumstances. God has always come through before, and it is His PROMISE that He'll never leave me or forsake me. That is what I am clinging to as I process all of the emotions I have toward moving to a new country. I know that whether I am in Taiwan for a month or a lifetime, God goes before me and stays beside me, fighting for me all the way. All I have to do is trust Him.
But this is where the rubber meets the road when it comes to faith. I don't really know what is waiting for me in Taipei. There are so many things I don't have a plan for, things I can't even begin to plan for because living in a new place brings with it unexpected challenges. I could spend the rest of my time at home trying to plan every little detail, and I'm one hundred percent confident that there would still be challenges I didn't foresee. I've been thinking a lot about faith lately. It's so easy to let myself think that faith is supposed to be an easy road, but the truth is that it isn't always. Sometimes I just have to close my eyes and jump, trusting that God will be there waiting to catch me. In this phase of my life, I am acutely aware that I absolutely do not have things under control. If God doesn't make a way for me, the few plans I do have will not work out. At all.
So my prayer now is that God would teach me to have trust without borders, both literally and figuratively. I want faith that is not limited by place or time or circumstances. God has always come through before, and it is His PROMISE that He'll never leave me or forsake me. That is what I am clinging to as I process all of the emotions I have toward moving to a new country. I know that whether I am in Taiwan for a month or a lifetime, God goes before me and stays beside me, fighting for me all the way. All I have to do is trust Him.
Friday, March 22, 2013
Tracing the Lines
Things look different when you know you have a limited time left with them. Knowing I only have just over three months left of the way my life is now gives me a whole new perspective. My happy anticipation of the future is tinged with a certain sadness at my present receding into my past.
Recently there was about a month where the plans I was making for the future were motivated by my desire to run away from a present that I wasn't satisfied in. But God has transformed my heart so that now I feel satisfied even in situations that aren't ideal. I've learned that no matter how many places I run to seek satisfaction in life, I'll never find it in this world apart from God. My future is no longer motivated by discontent, and that is truly a blessing. A blessing that makes moving on to a new stage of life just a little bit more bittersweet, because I've grown to love the people around me so much more than I ever expected to. After all, I thought that what I'm doing now was just a short pit stop on the way to something else. Now I've found that it's become something that I think I will always remember as one of the sweetest blessings in my life.
I guess this bittersweetness is a good thing, because what it really means is that I have had a good life and I'm moving from one good thing to another good thing. It means that I'm not running all over the world seeking contentment, but I am now able to recognize that God's love is present in my life in every circumstance and He's put wonderful things in my life that are worth missing when I leave.
It is an inexplicably great thing to be able to step back and trace the lines of God's love in the past few months of my life.
Recently there was about a month where the plans I was making for the future were motivated by my desire to run away from a present that I wasn't satisfied in. But God has transformed my heart so that now I feel satisfied even in situations that aren't ideal. I've learned that no matter how many places I run to seek satisfaction in life, I'll never find it in this world apart from God. My future is no longer motivated by discontent, and that is truly a blessing. A blessing that makes moving on to a new stage of life just a little bit more bittersweet, because I've grown to love the people around me so much more than I ever expected to. After all, I thought that what I'm doing now was just a short pit stop on the way to something else. Now I've found that it's become something that I think I will always remember as one of the sweetest blessings in my life.
I guess this bittersweetness is a good thing, because what it really means is that I have had a good life and I'm moving from one good thing to another good thing. It means that I'm not running all over the world seeking contentment, but I am now able to recognize that God's love is present in my life in every circumstance and He's put wonderful things in my life that are worth missing when I leave.
It is an inexplicably great thing to be able to step back and trace the lines of God's love in the past few months of my life.
Friday, March 8, 2013
109 Days...
109 days is the amount of time left before the flight I just booked to Taipei, Taiwan. I've been thinking and dreaming about this for so long, and now that I decided to take the plunge and buy the plane ticket and just DO IT, it feels pretty surreal. There's definitely a huge difference between thinking about doing something and actually doing it.
Now, some people think I'm a little crazy because I just spent a lot of money on a plane ticket to go live in another country, but I don't really have anything in order for when I get there yet. I still have to find a job. I still have to apply for a visa (maybe?). Basically, I have no idea what I'm getting myself into. I can see why it looks crazy. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and think, "Are you crazy, Ashley?" I think anyone who knows me can answer that question ;-)
But seriously, for a while I've just felt this huge desire to go to Taiwan, and things in my life (you know, besides having a job lined up before buying a plane ticket...) have been pointing me in that direction, and so I decided that I'm just going to take the next step and trust God to help me figure the rest out. I can't know for sure that this is going to work out, and it would be a lie to say that I wouldn't be pretty disappointed if it didn't. However, if I don't at least give it a try, I know that I'll always regret it and wonder "what if...?" Don't get me wrong, I have my moments of anxiety over how many unknowns are still left...who wouldn't? I have a mixture of excitement and anxiety, and I just keep praying that God would calm my fears and guide me as I plan.
I guess that's really all I have to say. There are a million other things running through my mind these past few days since Dayna and I stayed up on Skype until 3am figuring out (and booking) our flight, but if I shared all of those on the internet then everyone really would think I'm a psycho. This post is basically just to share the exciting and frightening news that I booked a plane ticket to Taiwan, and I have anxieties about moving to a foreign country (as anyone would), but I am so, so grateful for the ways in which God has provided for this adventure...both financially and through the support of many friends, both American friends that I will miss when I leave and Taiwanese friends that I can't wait to reunite with when I arrive <3
It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.
{Deuteronomy 31:8}
Now, some people think I'm a little crazy because I just spent a lot of money on a plane ticket to go live in another country, but I don't really have anything in order for when I get there yet. I still have to find a job. I still have to apply for a visa (maybe?). Basically, I have no idea what I'm getting myself into. I can see why it looks crazy. Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and think, "Are you crazy, Ashley?" I think anyone who knows me can answer that question ;-)
But seriously, for a while I've just felt this huge desire to go to Taiwan, and things in my life (you know, besides having a job lined up before buying a plane ticket...) have been pointing me in that direction, and so I decided that I'm just going to take the next step and trust God to help me figure the rest out. I can't know for sure that this is going to work out, and it would be a lie to say that I wouldn't be pretty disappointed if it didn't. However, if I don't at least give it a try, I know that I'll always regret it and wonder "what if...?" Don't get me wrong, I have my moments of anxiety over how many unknowns are still left...who wouldn't? I have a mixture of excitement and anxiety, and I just keep praying that God would calm my fears and guide me as I plan.
I guess that's really all I have to say. There are a million other things running through my mind these past few days since Dayna and I stayed up on Skype until 3am figuring out (and booking) our flight, but if I shared all of those on the internet then everyone really would think I'm a psycho. This post is basically just to share the exciting and frightening news that I booked a plane ticket to Taiwan, and I have anxieties about moving to a foreign country (as anyone would), but I am so, so grateful for the ways in which God has provided for this adventure...both financially and through the support of many friends, both American friends that I will miss when I leave and Taiwanese friends that I can't wait to reunite with when I arrive <3
It is the LORD who goes before you. He will be with you; he will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed.
{Deuteronomy 31:8}
Wednesday, January 2, 2013
This Life Ain't Big Enough for the Two of Us
I was reading Francis Chan's book Crazy Love today and in the chapter I'm reading he quotes Ecclesiastes 7:2, which says:
It is better to go to a house of mourning
than to go to a house of feasting,
for death is the destiny of every man;
the living should take this to heart.
It made me realize that I usually don't take it to heart that death is my destiny, and that I don't live like it is most of the time. Instead, I often live in fear and hold myself back because of worries and what-ifs. Well lately, it has started to hit me that this is no way to live. When I was still in school, I had things built into my life that kept me distracted and busy, so I didn't notice so much that I avoided things that scare me. Or that I'm bad at being proactive and confident about things (probably because putting myself out there and risking failure is hugely scary to me). I did a few things that made me mildly nervous but usually it was something that I considered to be relatively "safe."
Now I live at home with my parents. I work at the same job I've always worked at (all through high school, summers when I went to college, and now after graduating), I don't have much of a community nearby (this isn't to say I don't still really love and appreciate my brothers and sisters who don't live nearby), and I am just plain BORED. It's a kind of boredom and complacency that I haven't really experienced before, and I'm growing more and more frustrated with the fact that my life feels as if it's going absolutely nowhere right now. I don't know where I'll end up or what I'll be doing, but I do know that right now I feel extremely restless and I just want to do something besides live with my parents and work just enough to pay the bills (don't get me wrong--I am very thankful that I have parents who are willing to help me out and a job that has been a blessing in ways I never expected). I know that's the way a lot of people live--existing, doing what they must to get by, settling into predictability. And in some ways, it is much more comfortable to live that way. But, contrary to what those people (and I) may sometimes feel, I think that way of living has hidden risks--which makes it all the more risky. By staying comfortable and "safe" you are risking--no, giving up--the tremendous opportunities there are to have life to the full, which is what God wants for us all. I'm not saying everybody has to go off on crazy adventures all the time, but there are definitely simple ways of getting outside your comfort zone and doing something new--perhaps even something that's scary for you. I guess what I'm saying is that you can risk failure or disappointment by doing something that's scary, or you can risk missing out on life by staying inside whatever little box is comfortable for you.
I'm definitely still figuring life out, just like everybody else. I'm still learning how to trust God with my life so much so that I can go out with faith, not knowing what will happen but trusting that God has everything under control. I'm still not sure exactly where my life will take me (though I do have certain hopes and inklings which most people who have talked to me in the past year and a half know all about ;-) ) and I am still struggling with how to get myself out of this rut of inaction and fear of failure. But I think I am finally starting to take it to heart that I don't have forever, and I just can't waste so much time being fearful. It's not how God wants me to live. Even though I have plenty of fears left in me, I am praying and I am hopeful that I can start trusting God more (with His help). In the end, I think my biggest fear is that I will let the opportunities and experiences of life pass my by because I'm too afraid of taking risks.
Like I said, I still don't know exactly the path my life will take, but what I do know is that it's high time I look my fears straight in the eye, tell them "this life ain't big enough for the two of us," and then JUST DO SOMETHING. Because I can't have abundant fear and abundant life at the same time. It's just not possible.
I'll leave you with a quote by Oswald Chambers that has been encouraging me:
Now I live at home with my parents. I work at the same job I've always worked at (all through high school, summers when I went to college, and now after graduating), I don't have much of a community nearby (this isn't to say I don't still really love and appreciate my brothers and sisters who don't live nearby), and I am just plain BORED. It's a kind of boredom and complacency that I haven't really experienced before, and I'm growing more and more frustrated with the fact that my life feels as if it's going absolutely nowhere right now. I don't know where I'll end up or what I'll be doing, but I do know that right now I feel extremely restless and I just want to do something besides live with my parents and work just enough to pay the bills (don't get me wrong--I am very thankful that I have parents who are willing to help me out and a job that has been a blessing in ways I never expected). I know that's the way a lot of people live--existing, doing what they must to get by, settling into predictability. And in some ways, it is much more comfortable to live that way. But, contrary to what those people (and I) may sometimes feel, I think that way of living has hidden risks--which makes it all the more risky. By staying comfortable and "safe" you are risking--no, giving up--the tremendous opportunities there are to have life to the full, which is what God wants for us all. I'm not saying everybody has to go off on crazy adventures all the time, but there are definitely simple ways of getting outside your comfort zone and doing something new--perhaps even something that's scary for you. I guess what I'm saying is that you can risk failure or disappointment by doing something that's scary, or you can risk missing out on life by staying inside whatever little box is comfortable for you.
I'm definitely still figuring life out, just like everybody else. I'm still learning how to trust God with my life so much so that I can go out with faith, not knowing what will happen but trusting that God has everything under control. I'm still not sure exactly where my life will take me (though I do have certain hopes and inklings which most people who have talked to me in the past year and a half know all about ;-) ) and I am still struggling with how to get myself out of this rut of inaction and fear of failure. But I think I am finally starting to take it to heart that I don't have forever, and I just can't waste so much time being fearful. It's not how God wants me to live. Even though I have plenty of fears left in me, I am praying and I am hopeful that I can start trusting God more (with His help). In the end, I think my biggest fear is that I will let the opportunities and experiences of life pass my by because I'm too afraid of taking risks.
Like I said, I still don't know exactly the path my life will take, but what I do know is that it's high time I look my fears straight in the eye, tell them "this life ain't big enough for the two of us," and then JUST DO SOMETHING. Because I can't have abundant fear and abundant life at the same time. It's just not possible.
I'll leave you with a quote by Oswald Chambers that has been encouraging me:
You don’t know what you are going to do. The only thing you know is that God knows what He is doing. Continually examine your attitude toward God to see if you are willing to “go out” in every area of your life, trusting in God entirely. It is this attitude that keeps you in constant wonder, because you don’t know what God is going to do next. Each morning as you wake, there is a new opportunity to “go out,” building your confidence in God. (My Utmost for His Highest, January 2)
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